LoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLove

"Love is the feeling we have for those we care deeply about and hold in high regard. It can be light as the hug we give a friend or heavy as the sacrifices we make for our children. It can be romantic, platonic, familial, fleeting, everlasting, conditional, unconditional, imbued with sorrow, stoked by sex, sullied by abuse, amplified by kindness, twisted by betrayal, deepened by time, darkened by time, leavened by generosity, nourished with humor, and loaded with promises and commitments that we may or may not want to keep. The best thing you can possibly do with your life is to tackle the motherfucking shit out of love"

--Cheryl Strayed

 

Poetry is not

an expression of the party line.

It’s that time of night,

lying in bed,

thinking what you really think,

making the private world public,

that’s what the poet does.

~ Allen Ginsberg

 

I love this. I've never claimed to be a poet, but maybe all honest thinking, feeling, and writing is poetry, you know? Maybe we're all poets when we're by ourselves, just being. When we escape our egos, even momentarily, the poetry and beauty and truth can flow.

Revolution

Looking at my calendar today I realized a minor life event occurred exactly one year ago. The event itself was trivial as far as things go, but it launched a thousand ships that I could never have foreseen, and took me for a ride that was painful and confusing  at many turns.  The fact that a year has passed both surprised and saddened me. If you had told me one year ago I would be in the general place I’m in now, I would have been pretty depressed. Because fundamentally certain realities are exactly the same as they were then. One generally likes to see progress in life, you know?

But this of course led to an afternoon spent contemplating what real change really means and whether or not externals really matter so much when we’re speaking about transformations of the soul. And I realized that I have in fact made more progress than I would have ever imagined in a year’s time, mostly because I’ve learned to work with, transcend, or just ignore those very externals that stubbornly remain in place. Yes, there were a handful of things I wanted very badly to be different in my life by now because I thought they would bring me more happiness, but not getting what (I thought) I wanted is actually….OK. I am OK with things just as they are. I am OK with exactly where I’m at. And I think it’s because I’ve fallen madly in love with myself in the past 6 months.

It really hasn’t been until recently, in hindsight and through this new lens of self-respect, that I see previous patterns of mild self-loathing. It makes me sad for the time I wasted not feeling like life was enough or living someone else’s life because I wanted so badly to be filled up inside. I tried many things to accomplish that feeling of fullness inside. None of them were successful of course. They were all from the same “outside-in” approach, which never works.

There was not an exact science to the self-love journey. I know I got serious about opening myself up to people, and to loving and accepting them more fully. I spent a great deal of time meditating and practiced being vulnerable more and more. I became more and more gentle with myself and forgave myself for certain decisions I’d made. I think these all contributed to the positive place I’m in now. I still have to work at it every day.

Currently I feel like I’ve stopped looking for anything on the outside to tell me I’m healthy and beautiful and kind and giving and interesting and funny, or that I can powerfully create realities in my life. I feel it on the inside. It’s certainly nice when those things are manifested physically as well, but I believe when they are it’s the result of my open heart and mind creating them in my soul first.

"I love finally being able to open completely to the whole range of my experience, including all that wanting, including all that hurt, including the pain and the joy. Opening to the whole thing. Because I love myself and it’s all part of the journey that will ultimately bring me more love and connection to all that is good."

I am brave. I am full of love for people. I am strong. I am creative. I am capable of growing from sadness and disappointment. I’m not afraid to let my light shine. I take risks. I am open to all possibilities.

Hitting the reset button

Once again, I'm trying something new.

There are a handful of people in my life, whom I've known for varying amounts of time and have varying connections to, with whom I've intermittently struggled. It's different for each of them, but the central theme seems to be that I feel they have wronged me in some significant way, and although we've gone through the perfunctory "moving past it" stage where a conversation is had and apologies or excuses are offered, in my head and heart I haven't really let it go.

I know this because I don't really trust them, despite my stated "forgiveness". In my subconscious mind they are only pretending to care about me. But really they're just waiting for me to let my guard down so they can perpetrate the same disrespect, hurtfulness, and/or manipulation again. Fool me once, I believe is the expression.  I "need" to perpetually keep my guard up because as all smart people know, you forgive, but you never forget, right? You need to learn from the experience of being "attacked" and alter your relationship to these individuals, closing yourself off to them in the appropriate manner depending on the situation. You must also replay the event or circumstance in your mind over and over so you can effectively demonize the other person and hope for some kind of justice to be served (a nicer way of saying "revenge"). Don't get me wrong, I feel this way about a very small number of people and have great relationships with most. But this is the gist of how things have worked for me on a certain level with some.

The above pattern of thinking reveals many things: I apparently think I'm the center of the universe, I have quite the ego, and I enjoy seeing myself as a victim. And all that thought and emotion and energy, it really just amounts to immobilizing shadowboxing. So lame.

Sometimes when I'm stuck in my own head resenting someone (for something really stupid no doubt) I think back to the movie The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. How lovely to be able to erase someone from your memory completely. What a way to move on. If only it were real.

But I think we have that power. To erase and forget certain things if we choose. Of course not an entire person or relationship; that misses the point : ) But what's wrong with having a very literal reset button with people?

It seems counter intuitive because we feel too exposed to potential hurt. Wayne Dyer says we allow our negative beliefs about ourselves and the world around us to exist because we think we need them to protect us against future pain and disappointment. This makes sense to me. If I believe someone doesn't have my best interest at heart then it's easy to reject them before I am hurt in some way again.

But if I choose to forget how someone caused me to feel and interact with them as though it never even happened, without worrying about what they might do in the future, I'm living in the now, which is a place, I'm discovering, that's pure freedom and joy. This is authentic forgiveness and I like it.

And true forgiveness feels so amazing! You suddenly realize how much time and energy was spent fighting against a mental construct. It's the best feeling in the world to move past something and be able to put your energy to better use (and nevermind the fact that many of the feelings of resentment I have for people stem from making sweeping assumptions or a having lack of self-love on my part, which are two other areas that need some renovation).

I know wiping the slate clean may not work in any and all situations, and sometimes out of self-preservation you need to alter your relationship to someone based on their actions and your needs. But recently I've tried the reset technique with a few of my on-again-off-again "nemeses" and I'm pretty happy with the results. It's helped me apologize more frequently and sincerely when I've done something wrong too.

Although many things are shifting for me in positive ways which has given me a bigger heart and more security and bravery in general, I think this practice of letting go of resentment and embracing a true "forgetting" of the past is one of the best things I've done in a while.

Belief vs. Action

I've been meditating today on the idea of allowing space for things to emerge in my life. This is different from just believing that I can make positive changes in certain areas. It occurs to me after speaking with a very wise friend that though I may say I think and feel one way, my actions speak otherwise.

Example: one of the changes I'm making is working on more authentic connection with others. Being totally vulnerable and embracing whatever comes with that. I think about this, desire this, envision this, and so on. And though I contrive situations to help make this happen, and have learned to put myself out there quite a bit, I still do alot of little things that negate that goal. I tend to always shut and lock doors behind me, even when no one is around. I wear sunglasses even on cloudy days. I stay in my car when I'm early for a meeting. These may seem like little things but they all point to the fact that on some level I would still rather choose to shut people out and hide myself away. Because the truth is authentic connection used to make me sick to my stomach. I'm learning to let go of this fear but its still a process I suppose.

We do many things on a subconscious level without realizing it. All part of the story we try to tell about ourselves. I believe that people always perform in accordance with what they think is true about themselves and the environment. And guess what? It's always a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think you lack something, you behave as though you lack, and then create a reality where you DO lack. Simple as that.

Actions speak louder than words, and although I think sometimes thoughts and feelings need to change before our actions do, the changes we think have taken place may not have if our actions tell a different story. Learning to look more closely at actions is a tool I plan on using more in the future.

I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere in the world. Then I ask myself the same question.

The girl and her heart become friends

I started writing this blog aimlessly last year with no thought to its content or the frequency I'd be updating it. I just felt like writing. And even more than that I felt like sharing some of myself. I have no idea who reads it or how its perceived, but I feel as though I'm opening myself up to something, and that feels right.
There have obviously been many dark times in the last 8 months, and before that even, of course. The overall theme of my posts seems to have been struggle tinged with hope and faith in something better. Some posts have been far less hopeful than others. All part of the magnificent journey that continues until we expire : )
For all my sluggish soul searching I feel like all of a sudden I'm incredibly different. Some kind of a switch has been flipped lately that has had an incredible impact. Nothing external has changed at all, but my awareness of my own power to shape my life has lit a fire in my heart that is radically changing anything and everything.
I've always known that my prison is a self-imposed one, as it is for us all, but I've now actually tasted what it feels like to simply....... walk out into freedom. It really is a very simple choice to be made. Incredible.
There have been dozens and dozens of things I've experienced lately that I would have previously placed on a spectrum between highly unlikely and utterly impossible. Tiny, mini-prisons or identities that were so firmly rooted in my life have been exposed to be flimsy houses of cards.
There's so much momentum building as a result of these small changes that I'm actually frightened of all the possibilities that lay before me.
I've not felt love, for others or for myself, flow so easily and freely as it does now. I feel beautiful and full of purpose and compassion and ability.
I'm focused on keeping this great  momentum going but also on examining the changes happening. Nothing is as valuable and worthy of awareness as our own growth and especially that that involves casting off limitations.

Peace : )

Now

I went to a show last night that was pretty amazing. Great performer, awesome energy, good people, etc. I felt alive and free and young and was grateful to be able to live a life filled with events and experiences like these. But although I had a wonderful time I noticed that throughout the evening I was picturing myself at home later remembering it all. I imagined the future shows I might see with my friend and how we’d discuss how fun this night was. I imagined looking back at my photos later and wishing I could go back.

Why would I do this? I was there wasn’t I? The moments were still unfolding as these thoughts ran through my head. Why could I not appreciate the night without the filter of it being in the past?

I notice that this is a common pattern in my life and, I suspect, the lives of others as well. For some reason being in the present moment is too uncomfortable and as a result I shy away from being present in it. I prefer to look forward to things, creating all sorts of expectations, or look back on them, analyzing them for their relative merit. I know this kind of thinking is holding me back from experiencing life more fully, but it’s very habitual nonetheless.

I was talking to a close friend of mine recently and this topic came up. Through a series of questions we tried to deconstruct why this pattern persists. What do people get out of this anyways? We decided that the present moment is scary to acknowledge. It’s scary because it’s real, with no buffer of time surrounding it in which you can make judgments. It’s important to make judgments and assessments of situations because it helps you see how they relate to you. It’s important to know how things relate to you because it feeds into you sense of identity. A-ha. That’s it then. It all comes down to the false sense of security we derive from having a solid sense of identity.

The most frightening thing it seems is to not know who you are. To not know exactly where you stand in this world. We try our best to solidify this sense of self and make many of our choices surrounding it. The tendency is also towards rejecting experiences, and even people, that don’t fit our sense of identity. Pain factors into this quite a bit as well. We claim to hate pain, will do anything to avoid it, but is that really true? Pain can give us a very strong sense of identity and thus a false sense of security. In a world that doesn’t always make sense I think it gives us a sense of order, fucked up as it may be.

I think it goes without saying that I think this is a limiting thought pattern based on fear. It doesn’t mean I’m not currently entrenched in this way of thinking, but the more I become aware of it, the more I want it to change. I don’t want to be a prisoner of my ego. I want things in my life that enrich me and change me and push me and make me understand that things are bigger than my little world. I’m never going to let these experiences in if I’m controlled by the fear of losing a logical identity.

I’m sure as with most changes it starts small and builds from there, and it seems daunting to challenge a pattern that’s so well-established and strong. But I believe more and more in taking back my power from things that will only deplete me in the end.  

“Freedom is realizing that letting go isn’t losing anything—it’s gaining everything. It’s stepping into the present moment free from limiting thoughts, beliefs, memories, fears, and judgments, to see what’s in front of us with clear eyes.”

My most sincere prayer is to make this happen.