I went to a show last night that was pretty amazing. Great performer, awesome energy, good people, etc. I felt alive and free and young and was grateful to be able to live a life filled with events and experiences like these. But although I had a wonderful time I noticed that throughout the evening I was picturing myself at home later remembering it all. I imagined the future shows I might see with my friend and how we’d discuss how fun this night was. I imagined looking back at my photos later and wishing I could go back.
Why would I do this? I was there wasn’t I? The moments were still unfolding as these thoughts ran through my head. Why could I not appreciate the night without the filter of it being in the past?
I notice that this is a common pattern in my life and, I suspect, the lives of others as well. For some reason being in the present moment is too uncomfortable and as a result I shy away from being present in it. I prefer to look forward to things, creating all sorts of expectations, or look back on them, analyzing them for their relative merit. I know this kind of thinking is holding me back from experiencing life more fully, but it’s very habitual nonetheless.
I was talking to a close friend of mine recently and this topic came up. Through a series of questions we tried to deconstruct why this pattern persists. What do people get out of this anyways? We decided that the present moment is scary to acknowledge. It’s scary because it’s real, with no buffer of time surrounding it in which you can make judgments. It’s important to make judgments and assessments of situations because it helps you see how they relate to you. It’s important to know how things relate to you because it feeds into you sense of identity. A-ha. That’s it then. It all comes down to the false sense of security we derive from having a solid sense of identity.
The most frightening thing it seems is to not know who you are. To not know exactly where you stand in this world. We try our best to solidify this sense of self and make many of our choices surrounding it. The tendency is also towards rejecting experiences, and even people, that don’t fit our sense of identity. Pain factors into this quite a bit as well. We claim to hate pain, will do anything to avoid it, but is that really true? Pain can give us a very strong sense of identity and thus a false sense of security. In a world that doesn’t always make sense I think it gives us a sense of order, fucked up as it may be.
I think it goes without saying that I think this is a limiting thought pattern based on fear. It doesn’t mean I’m not currently entrenched in this way of thinking, but the more I become aware of it, the more I want it to change. I don’t want to be a prisoner of my ego. I want things in my life that enrich me and change me and push me and make me understand that things are bigger than my little world. I’m never going to let these experiences in if I’m controlled by the fear of losing a logical identity.
I’m sure as with most changes it starts small and builds from there, and it seems daunting to challenge a pattern that’s so well-established and strong. But I believe more and more in taking back my power from things that will only deplete me in the end.
“Freedom is realizing that letting go isn’t losing anything—it’s gaining everything. It’s stepping into the present moment free from limiting thoughts, beliefs, memories, fears, and judgments, to see what’s in front of us with clear eyes.”
My most sincere prayer is to make this happen.
