Looking at my calendar today I realized a minor life event occurred exactly one year ago. The event itself was trivial as far as things go, but it launched a thousand ships that I could never have foreseen, and took me for a ride that was painful and confusing at many turns. The fact that a year has passed both surprised and saddened me. If you had told me one year ago I would be in the general place I’m in now, I would have been pretty depressed. Because fundamentally certain realities are exactly the same as they were then. One generally likes to see progress in life, you know?
But this of course led to an afternoon spent contemplating what real change really means and whether or not externals really matter so much when we’re speaking about transformations of the soul. And I realized that I have in fact made more progress than I would have ever imagined in a year’s time, mostly because I’ve learned to work with, transcend, or just ignore those very externals that stubbornly remain in place. Yes, there were a handful of things I wanted very badly to be different in my life by now because I thought they would bring me more happiness, but not getting what (I thought) I wanted is actually….OK. I am OK with things just as they are. I am OK with exactly where I’m at. And I think it’s because I’ve fallen madly in love with myself in the past 6 months.
It really hasn’t been until recently, in hindsight and through this new lens of self-respect, that I see previous patterns of mild self-loathing. It makes me sad for the time I wasted not feeling like life was enough or living someone else’s life because I wanted so badly to be filled up inside. I tried many things to accomplish that feeling of fullness inside. None of them were successful of course. They were all from the same “outside-in” approach, which never works.
There was not an exact science to the self-love journey. I know I got serious about opening myself up to people, and to loving and accepting them more fully. I spent a great deal of time meditating and practiced being vulnerable more and more. I became more and more gentle with myself and forgave myself for certain decisions I’d made. I think these all contributed to the positive place I’m in now. I still have to work at it every day.
Currently I feel like I’ve stopped looking for anything on the outside to tell me I’m healthy and beautiful and kind and giving and interesting and funny, or that I can powerfully create realities in my life. I feel it on the inside. It’s certainly nice when those things are manifested physically as well, but I believe when they are it’s the result of my open heart and mind creating them in my soul first.
"I love finally being able to open completely to the whole range of my experience, including all that wanting, including all that hurt, including the pain and the joy. Opening to the whole thing. Because I love myself and it’s all part of the journey that will ultimately bring me more love and connection to all that is good."
I am brave. I am full of love for people. I am strong. I am creative. I am capable of growing from sadness and disappointment. I’m not afraid to let my light shine. I take risks. I am open to all possibilities.
