I wish I didn't worry so much about everything. I worry that I'm not good enough, that I'm not on the right path (or any path at all), and I worry about not getting to do the things I want to do before it's too late. I worry its already too late for some things. I worry that I talk too much and fail people when they need me. I worry that I'm not valued by my friends. I worry that I act too tough and that people are actually fooled by it. I also worry that they're not fooled by it. I worry that I'm not special and that I push everyone away and that I'm never in the right places at the right times. I worry that people think I try too hard. I worry that I do try too hard.
I wish I didn't wear my heart on my sleeve and spill all my secrets to strangers and expect so much from people. I wish I didn't need validation from absolutely everyone, like an insecure teenage girl.
I wish some people were a bigger part of my life. I wish I was young and innocent and pretty and delicate and that someone would take care of me sometimes. I wish I loved the right people and didn't spend so much time thinking about the wrong people. I wish I didn't drink so much whiskey.
I wish I knew what some people were thinking and why they do the things they do. I wish some people hadn't treated me the way they did and I really wish I hadn't treated some people the way I did.
I wish I could let some things go. I wish my heart was bigger and I was less selfish. I wish some people felt about me the way I feel about them. I wish I was a kid again. I wish I had gotten to meet my maternal grandparents.
I wish I knew some people better. I wish I didn't always ache to know the intimate things, like who they miss and what they're sorry for, and could just appreciate my relationships for what they are. I wish I wasn't so greedy for life.
I wish I didn't need everyone in the whole world to love me to feel okay. I wish people still made mix tapes and that I had gone on the Great America trip in 7th grade instead of staying home watching movies. I wish I spent more time with people and less in front of my computer.
I wish I knew why some things are just broken, and don't work no matter how hard you try. I wish I had gone away to school. I wish I had a really good sandwich right now.
“The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing — to reach the Mountain, to find the place where all the beauty came from — my country, the place where I ought to have been born. Do you think it all meant nothing, all the longing? The longing for home? For indeed it now feels not like going, but like going back.”
| — | C. S. Lewis, Till We Have Faces |
