Thoughts on humanity

I see the homeless on the corner by my office every day. They band together in the center median to lay on the grass, and hold signs made of withered cardboard to ask motorists for money. Today I gave a woman $5 I had on my dash, change from the extravagant tradition of getting a skinny vanilla latte every day, no doubt. A friend in the car gave me a lecture on why I shouldn’t “reinforce” their begging. “They’re just going to spend it on crack or alcohol. You’re not helping anything”. In fact I don’t always give out money directly to those in need, those on the street corners or outside the grocery store, those who approach me at the gas station asking for money to make it out of town. I don’t always have it.  Sometimes I’ll give them bottled water instead.  But I get the lecture from people all the time. And here’s the thing: I know I’m not helping them get out of poverty or rebuild their lives with $1, $5, even $100. It makes no difference in the grand scheme of their life or maybe even their day. I don’t think the money always spent on drugs, although I’m sure many times it is. And I’m really not in a position to judge anyone at any rate.

I just think it’s important to acknowledge their need. To reach out and show compassion by saying: “I see that you need help, it may be woefully inadequate, but in some small way I will help you because you are a human being and we are here to help each other.” I can’t imagine all the suffering that comes with living on the streets or being a prisoner of addiction, but I have to guess that being shunned by society and looked at with contempt by everyone around you makes life seem hopeless. I can’t imagine keeping faith in humanity as you sit on the side of the road in 102-degree weather as person after person walks past you, averting their eyes, not even acknowledging that you exist. I know it still isn’t much, but in some small way, by being willing to simply stop and look them in the eye and speak kindly and respectfully, I hope I can show those in need that there is compassion and generosity out there. People have good in them and all is not hopeless. There is created in those moments just the briefest human connection, but it’s all that really matters. I don’t help others nearly as much as I wish I did, but I have never regretted it when I have. It’s what we’re here for.

A little rain

Life can be heartbreaking in so many ways, and in subtle, sinister ways that never cross our worried minds until we’re blindsided by them. Pain is something to drink in and learn from, like any other experience in life. It’s something we avoid, and although we shouldn’t, it doesn’t matter, as the various cruelties of life will touch us all whether we like it or not.

Everyone will tell you that time heals all wounds and that your suffering won’t last. I believe this is the case sometimes. There are past hurts I’ve suffered that simply don’t matter anymore, due to maturity, changing values, or a calm acceptance full of understanding. I think of them and am grateful for the way they’ve shaped me and taught me compassion. And there are other broken hearts that have been beautifully redeemed in some way. An apology, reconciliation, a success after so many failed attempts, a changed heart, a second chance, even a miracle. These kinds of pain have been wiped clean in a sense by a change in the circumstances. I know I’m not alone in having been conditioned to believe that pain will go away in one of these ways, if enough time passes.

But there is some pain that never goes away. Regret that I don’t know what to do with, people that I never shared myself with, that I’ll never see again, connections that were lost, opportunities missed, people that don’t love me, can never love me the way I need to be loved, people who have hurt and used and betrayed me. I believe in second chances but I don’t always get them. I carry these things around with me hoping for redemption and bleeding just a little bit for the way things aren’t.

I am forever looking for something that will right the wrongs, that will be the dividing line between the way things are and the way I long for them to have turned out. I will probably look forever, but I have to accept that some hurts will just never go away.

And even in our sleep a pain that cannot forget
Falls drop by drop upon the heart,
And in our own despite, against our will,
Comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.

We tell ourselves so many stories about the things that happen to us, just to survive. Pretending not to feel the things we do to create emotional distance, to make the hurting stop. “He was horrible”, “it wouldn’t have worked out anyways”, “she had issues” and on and on. Sometimes there’s simply no justification. A situation just hurts. I find that although it doesn’t create any space from my pain, I go on wanting and hoping for that redemption. I move forward, I stand up to those who treat me poorly, I ask for forgiveness, as everyone has to, but my heart lingers. It refuses to fully acquiesce to hated or distance.  I still love and care for everyone and everything I’ve ever felt anything for, despite what they may have done to me or what pain they may have caused me. I cherish them in my heart as the people and things they were, or I thought they were before things changed. Like a child that still longs for love from an abusive parent, you can’t deny what’s in your heart, as illogical as it may be.

I don’t think that life and the undeniable pain in it can be explained away so that things don’t hurt. To try to do so isn’t authentic. Sometimes there is nothing else to do but just bleed and accept the wounds for what they are. It’s truth, and there really is nothing else.

 

……life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice…….

On love

I remember the first time I knew I had found something utterly irreplaceable. We had only been dating for 4 months.  I was in the ICU with a life-threatening condition and he came by everyday after work to sit with me and run his fingers through my hair. He told me I was beautiful, with all the horrible tubes in my arms and the dark circles under my eyes. He stayed until I fell asleep. Everyday.

I used to see him looking at me when I was doing ordinary things. Looking at me with nothing but love in his eyes. Like I was the only person on earth. He would kiss me in the middle of a crowded bar and hug me to his chest. He would drive to the store to get me ice cream when I was sick and watch me fall asleep.

A complete stranger came up to me once to remind me of how lucky I was. Her boyfriend knew him, and she sought me out at a party to tell me that her boyfriend said he talked about me all the time. She said they were moved by how much he seemed to cherish me. How much love was in his heart for me. A complete stranger wanted to tell me this.

The bows of the warriors are broken, but those who stumbled are armed with strength

I somehow believe that wandering in the darkness is the right thing in my life at this particular point in time. I am learning that life has to break its people so that they might have a new kind of strength. The kind that isn’t easy, but rather the strength in spirit that is born only through brokenness. I am thankful that I’m finding the grace to the humble. But also, for something else.

I’m thankful for the chance to become the Phoenix.  In the stories, when it saw the end coming, the Phoenix would destroy itself in a fire created from its nest, only to be reborn from the ashes of its destruction. I have the ability to totally destroy myself, the one that I know, and rise reborn from the ashes. The only question is, “what is it I wish to create?” A life that’s as filled with life as I can possibly comprehend.

Simone de Beauvoir said:  “I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for the truth; and the truth rewarded me.”I know that we learn to respond to life in a way that allows us to be acceptable to, and survive in, the world in which we find ourselves at the expense of our own truth. I may have gone an entire lifetime of denying my truth if not for the kind of pain that galvanized me to live from another place.

We need to journey into the underworld and the unknown to find our true identity. The question is for all of us, "How deep are we willing to we go?" It means total or partial emptying of oneself, a simultaneous spiraling "down" while paradoxically spiraling "up", to explore the depth and breadth of our pain, taking ourselves apart piece by piece.

Because I know that the higher calling, duty even, for everyone is to give. And you can only give to the level you have gone.

I am learning to become a light unto myself.

My wild is calling

Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.

Unbreakable

I love the art of film for so many reasons. Sometimes the reason is because I find a reflection of my life inside., like it was meant just for me.

I watched Unbreakable last night, which has stuck with me since I first saw it 11 years ago.

David Dunn has extraordinary powers that he slowly discovers. He talks about being haunted by sadness throughout his life.

“This morning was the first morning that I can remember that I didn't open my eyes and feel sadness. Do you know what I'm talking about? That little bit of sadness? I thought the person that wrote that note had an answer for me. For why I survived that train. For why my life feels so out of balance...”

And later:

“And that little bit of sadness in the mornings you spoke of? I think I know what that is. Perhaps, you're not DOING what you are SUPPOSED to be doing.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much of life is wasted being afraid of what’s inside us. For the first time I’m feeling like I’m not afraid to do what it is I’m supposed to do. And terrifying as it is, that little bit of sadness is starting to lift. I can’t believe how good that feels.

Wisdom is skill in living

Some advice I’d like to give myself, distilled from years of well-meaning individuals. I hope I can live this out:

Never compare yourself or your life to others. You are on your own journey with its own inherent lessons.  If you compare yourself with others, you run the risk of becoming vain, jealous, and shallow, not to mention ungrateful for all the wonderful things you do indeed possess.  Instead let others inspire you. Appreciate their gifts and what they bring to the world, and glean what you can from them. People are often beautiful and their energy should somehow move you forward towards something good. Keep interested in your journey and remain aware of yourself. Keep fighting for who you want to be.

Although people can be mean, selfish, brutally self-centered, and harsh, even after you’ve shown them compassion and generosity and laid yourself at their feet, it’s really no excuse to become cynical. Open your heart to people, even if it means getting hurt. And don’t do it because you think you’ll get something in return. Because this won’t always be the case. Do it because it’s the right thing to do and at the end of the day it contributes to the flowering of your own humanity.

Good people will tell you to follow your dreams, take big chances, and do what feels right. I think they’re right. But it's alright to be afraid when the time comes to do these things, because although the words are always inspiring, real life doesn't fit into little boxes that we try to draw for it.

Everyone is obsessed with finding someone to love them. Fair enough: this is a deeply-rooted human need. But I think most of the time it’s harder to let yourself love someone else without fear than it is to find someone who loves you. Hardest of all is loving and forgiving yourself.  We are always searching for somebody to complete us. When our relationships with others fail to fulfill us, we move on to the next one. Other people can add wonderful dimensions to our lives, but we are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us.

Fear, self-pity, defeat, anxiety, despair, hopelessness, and resignation, are all just really bad habits. It’s comfortable and familiar to operate from these places. Living in the light and becoming the beautiful person you have the potential to become is terrifying, and so is something often avoided.

It’s so easy to want to wait around for life to change on its own. A car to stop, a star to fall, something to alter destiny. But you can waste away waiting with anticipation for this to happen. This isn’t how it works.  You have to your own change agent and unless you take a chance and act boldly, you will continue on the path you were traveling before.

Many attitudes and assumptions in life are often wrong. They are also what stand between you and other people. Human relationships are complicated and important. Be aware of this before you close yourself off to others. But to a certain degree be careful and discerning about who gets your time and your love. Not everyone will be as careful with your heart as you are with theirs. Don’t waste your time and affection on those who don’t want it or can’t accept it. They have their reasons. Move on to give it to those who do.

Love other people, even if it hurts. Get to know them and let them get to know you. Treat people like people. Look them in the eye and don’t feel too vulnerable to smile at them.  Do what you can to help others because it’s the right thing to do. Don’t be afraid to be human. Show others your humanity in your needs and wants and take joy in the beautiful connection that happens when others do the same.

Having dreams and plans is a wonderful thing. But sometimes there isn’t a clear blueprint to follow. Sometimes you have no dreams or plans.  In those times the only thing you can do is take the next logical step. Keep making choices until inspiration hits.

It’s true that the things you regret most are the things you didn’t do instead of the ones you did. But it’s also easy to think the things we haven’t known are somehow better than the things we have known. Be OK with the choices you’ve made. You can’t go back in time but you can make the most of regret: it can become a power for good in the time that we have left if it galvanizes us to action. Don’t let regret start taking the place of your dreams, no matter how old you get. You can’t ever go back, but you can make amends for the bad things in the past by adding new and beautiful things to your future.

You can’t do everything. But you can do something. And that’s better than nothing, even if it falls short of a dream. Sometimes the only choice you have in your circumstances is one of your attitude. Make a good one.

There is a time to try harder and a time to give up. Giving up is harder sometimes. It can be difficult to let go, but some things you just can’t force. Gracefully surrender them and trust that it wasn’t meant to be. Some people are only meant to be in our lives for a short amount of time. Life replaces things to make room for new things in our hearts.  

We shape our own lives by our choices, conscious and unconscious. Life is the sum of these choices. You are what you repeatedly do and you tend to do what you repeatedly think. Don’t think of the negative but imagine your life as it might be. Create yourself. Make yourself up as you go along, like jazz.

And one of the more beautiful things I’ve ever read, about “the persistence of song” in a sometimes sad and broken world:

“In a life, in any life, bad things happen. Many good things happen, of course, we know what they are — joy, tenderness, success, beauty — but some bad things happen as well. Sometimes very bad things happen. Children sicken and die. People we love don’t love us, can never love us. Sons die, needles in their gangrenous arms, no matter how fathers value them and try to save them from degradation and despair. We lose everything we have worked to acquire, money and houses and dreams and friends. The meat of life goes bad one day and leaves us sickened.Still, we tend to go on. We tend to want to live, to breathe the air, to stay in London or Prague and go to the theater and see the bright, the tantalizing new thing. We generally tend to love, and to be loved. We tend to want. We want to live while we live, not to be inert or silent as the rocks. We want to do something with the time we have, something that will give that time a certain meaning, a certain weight.We tend to continue. We tend to continue to admire other men and women, to fall sumptuously, even if temporarily, in love, just for the sensation, just for the way we feel in our skin, the exhilaration, the exhaustion, the innate and delectable perfection of the first kiss, the plunge into the sublime abyss. Even if very bad things happen.”

Jen