Once again, I'm trying something new.
There are a handful of people in my life, whom I've known for varying amounts of time and have varying connections to, with whom I've intermittently struggled. It's different for each of them, but the central theme seems to be that I feel they have wronged me in some significant way, and although we've gone through the perfunctory "moving past it" stage where a conversation is had and apologies or excuses are offered, in my head and heart I haven't really let it go.
I know this because I don't really trust them, despite my stated "forgiveness". In my subconscious mind they are only pretending to care about me. But really they're just waiting for me to let my guard down so they can perpetrate the same disrespect, hurtfulness, and/or manipulation again. Fool me once, I believe is the expression. I "need" to perpetually keep my guard up because as all smart people know, you forgive, but you never forget, right? You need to learn from the experience of being "attacked" and alter your relationship to these individuals, closing yourself off to them in the appropriate manner depending on the situation. You must also replay the event or circumstance in your mind over and over so you can effectively demonize the other person and hope for some kind of justice to be served (a nicer way of saying "revenge"). Don't get me wrong, I feel this way about a very small number of people and have great relationships with most. But this is the gist of how things have worked for me on a certain level with some.
The above pattern of thinking reveals many things: I apparently think I'm the center of the universe, I have quite the ego, and I enjoy seeing myself as a victim. And all that thought and emotion and energy, it really just amounts to immobilizing shadowboxing. So lame.
Sometimes when I'm stuck in my own head resenting someone (for something really stupid no doubt) I think back to the movie The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. How lovely to be able to erase someone from your memory completely. What a way to move on. If only it were real.
But I think we have that power. To erase and forget certain things if we choose. Of course not an entire person or relationship; that misses the point : ) But what's wrong with having a very literal reset button with people?
It seems counter intuitive because we feel too exposed to potential hurt. Wayne Dyer says we allow our negative beliefs about ourselves and the world around us to exist because we think we need them to protect us against future pain and disappointment. This makes sense to me. If I believe someone doesn't have my best interest at heart then it's easy to reject them before I am hurt in some way again.
But if I choose to forget how someone caused me to feel and interact with them as though it never even happened, without worrying about what they might do in the future, I'm living in the now, which is a place, I'm discovering, that's pure freedom and joy. This is authentic forgiveness and I like it.
And true forgiveness feels so amazing! You suddenly realize how much time and energy was spent fighting against a mental construct. It's the best feeling in the world to move past something and be able to put your energy to better use (and nevermind the fact that many of the feelings of resentment I have for people stem from making sweeping assumptions or a having lack of self-love on my part, which are two other areas that need some renovation).
I know wiping the slate clean may not work in any and all situations, and sometimes out of self-preservation you need to alter your relationship to someone based on their actions and your needs. But recently I've tried the reset technique with a few of my on-again-off-again "nemeses" and I'm pretty happy with the results. It's helped me apologize more frequently and sincerely when I've done something wrong too.
Although many things are shifting for me in positive ways which has given me a bigger heart and more security and bravery in general, I think this practice of letting go of resentment and embracing a true "forgetting" of the past is one of the best things I've done in a while.
